Good evening. On tonight's 'Eye on the Family' segment, we will be looking at a very important question: are your children using illegal drugs?
The answer is yes. Yes they are.
If you have children between the ages of 3 and 27, and they are not currently in your sight, they are getting high right now. If they are in your sight, they got high while you couldn't see them. Or, possibly, they got high while you were watching me and not them.
They might be smoking Marijuana or Crack, the might be shooting Heroin, they could be huffing gas, or paint thinner, or nail-polish remover, they could be eating your wife's lipstick or your husband's shoes, or they could simply be breathing too deeply to give themselves an incredibly dangerous 'Oxygen high'. But, somehow, your children ARE getting high.
You have only yourself to blame. It was you who sent your children out into the real world, to school and playdates, where other children could introduce them to the wonders of Mescaline. You, who were so easily fooled into believing that Little Jimmy from across the street isn't involved in manufacturing Crystal Meth and white slavery.
There is only one solution. There is only one way to keep your children and yourself safe from the taint of drug use, a taint that will inevitably lead your sons to knifing strangers, and your daughters selling themselves on the filthy streets.
But first, here's Jim Crandall with Sports! Jim, how'd the Cavs do tonight?
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