Just freakin' weird, that's all I'm saying

So I was watching TV over the weekend, and on The Soup I saw a clip where a dude claimed that even though he'd been having lots of sex with another dude, he wasn't gay. The dude in question justified his non-gayness with this line:

"When me and Whitney found out we weren't brother and sister, we had sex all the time."

What I love about that line is that only on daytime TV would that not be a show stopper, y'know? I mean, in any situation you can imagine, you'd need the person in question to back the hell up and give a lengthy explanation about that particular statement. Also, if you aren't familiar with the particular show this line came from, you really can't say for sure which show it was. This line could have been spoken on just about any daytime show for the past fifteen years, at anytime between about 9:30am and 3:30pm. Could have been Geraldo, or Dr. Phil, or Jerry Springer; Could have come from any soap opera ever made, might have come from The View, even, or the midday news.

The line did in fact come from a soap opera, Passions. Passions, for those who don't know, specializes in story lines that are straight up bat-shit crazy, even by the admittedly lax standards of detergent dramas.

Man, I love this country.

A little quick on the draw

So, I was talking to Hasty, a couple of days after I'd accidentally fired a 9mm round through the ceiling of the apartment in which I was staying.

"Yeah," Hasty drawled, "You mess around with guns long enough, somethin' like that's gonna happen."

"Really?" I said, sounding a bit testier than I should have. Hasty was trying to make me feel better, after all. "Something like this ever happen to you?"

"Yeah, but when I did it, it was with a shotgun. Blew a pretty big hole in the roof."

That shut my ass up.

Nerdcore, bitches!

I'm gonna be a Nerdcore rappper (The extra 'p' is for pimpin'). The great thing about making a statement like, 'I'm gonna be a Nerdcore rappper', is that it's such a freaking dorky thing to say, and therefore plays right into the whole idea. I just love that.

Anyway, self-amusement aside, I've been getting into MC Frontalot and a couple of other Nerdcore dudes. Frontalot kills me. He's got a song and video out called 'It is pitch black', which can be found on Youtube. The chorus starts with 'You are likely to be eaten by a grue', and if you don't get that reference, the song is gonna confuse the hell out of you. Nevertheless, I urge you, all three people who might read this missive, to do a little listening, as the guy actually has skill even if you don't follow the subject matter. I got no idea what the hell Busta Rhymes is talking about, but he sounds great. Same with Frontalot. MC Chris and MC Hawking have some good stuff, too.

So me and my buddy Blake are gonna pursue this, in addition to the amazingly original and funny comedy we're gonna do as Bad Puppets. Look out for dweeb rhymes from Oculus And Dactylos (I'm Dactylos, just so you know). We're gonna be kicking out fat beats behind songs about Nicola Tesla, Charles Fort, and the Emperor Norton.

Y'all better reconize!

Bored? Well, a little...

So... what would Amish porn be like?

A wood carving of a woman without a coal-scuttle bonnet? A man and a woman holding hands?

Send in your idea's!

These boots are killin' me...

I like these boots. Big black Army combats, steel-toed. They make me about an inch taller. I've been wearing them for more than a month now, so they're broken in and not giving me blisters anymore. The only boots I have left that were issued to me by the Army. The only footwear I possess right now, actually. They're insulated for winter wear, too. They are great boots. But...

They will not shut up!

Every other step, the right one squeaks. No matter how I plant my foot, they issue a loud half-farting sound. And they fuck with me. Sometimes the left boot joins in. Sometimes the right one stops, just long enough for me to think, 'Hey, maybe they finally...', SQUEAK! Damn you, boots! Every time I walk into the local college library to check my e-mail, the squeak cranks up the volume so that people with headphones are looking around, trying to see who's cutting the cheese with such metronome-like regularity. Cute college chicks give me The Look. It's all I can do sometimes to keep myself from looking down and screaming, 'SHUT UP, DAMN YOU! SHUT! UP!'

I'm telling you, these boots are lucky I don't have any choice about wearing them.

Got some time to kill?

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/all/

Oh, my friends. If you don't know about Craigslist's best of, you are in for a treat. I pride myself on being pretty well informed, especially about the sites I like, but I just found out about this little gem. Thanks for that, Sarah.

It is a hoot, my friends, a HOOT.

I've been lucky so far...

In that no one has been around with a video camera when I've done really stupid things. Like the time I scraped off a rear-view mirror on my parents car because I hadn't noticed the pole I was backing into. Or the uncountable occasions I have tripped on steps, or accidentally spit while talking, or almost knocked down a chandelier while putting on a coat with too much enthusiasm. Don't ask.

I say this because lately I've had access to a computer for long periods of time, and I've found myself spending a lot of it watching YouTube, seeing clips of people doing stupid things and hurting themselves. I can't help it. It's just so wonderful, seeing all of the things bored people do, usually guys, usually young, that end up damaging them. Not permanently, mind you. I'm not chuckling to video of kids mistakenly chopping off their arms or anything. But some of it's pretty close. And it's all 'there-but-for-the-grace-of-god-go-I' kind of stuff, things I can see myself taking part in without a thought, and then wondering why the hell my arm's suddenly going off at an odd angle. I suggest these video's to anyone, just because you'll spend a couple of days being a little more careful about even the simplest tasks. This stuff could happen to any of us, really. It could be me doing that.

Except for the kid who dropped a lit firecracker into his pants, just to see what would happen. He's an idiot, pure and simple. Lucky for the rest of the species, I don't think he'll be able to breed.

What a cute little guy...

The kid made eye contact with me from about a block away.

He was part of a double line of pre-school kids walking down the street, and was standing next to the teacher bringing up the rear, holding her hand. As we walked towards each other, the little dude held my eye.

I was about 19 at the time, had a full beard and long hair, and I was wearing a green, Indiana Jones-type hat and a big ugly green coat. He kept looking at me, and I kept looking at him.

As we drew abreast of one another, he turned his head slightly to address the teacher, but still kept a watchful eye on me.

"Does that man have a gun?", he asked in a piping voice.

I almost fell over laughing, and didn't stop for the rest of the day.