Here’s another entry to my ever growing list of really, really bad marketing ideas: Wild Eye caffeinated schnapps.
Caffeinated schnapps.
Caffeinated… schnapps.
CAFFEINATED SCHNAPPS!
The mind reels.
Patton Oswalt, one of my favorite comedians, has said that alcohol ads usually tell the saddest short stories you can imagine. The billboard for Wild Eye I caught sight of in Denver is, sadly, proof that he was correct. It was on Colfax Ave., in a good spot that made it visible for nearly a quarter of a mile. “Denver, here’s your wake up call!”, it blared, and can you guess what picture accompanied it? A pretty girl, you say? In cut-offs, on a bar stool, holding the neck of the thick, cylindrical bottle in a death grip, down near her groinitological region? With a knowing, ‘Come on big boy, you know you want it’ look on her face?
How ever did you know?
“You ever have one of those mornings where you roll out of someone else’s bed and know from the volume of vomit on their floor that it’s gonna be a hard day? What with your boss, and the kids, and the wife bitching about how you didn’t come home last night, you know you can’t face the day sober, but you can’t afford to be found sleeping on your desk in a pool of spit again? Brother, we got the sweet nectar you need, and a little something extra. For those times you need to be stumblin’ drunk, yet awake, there’s Wild Eye caffeinated schnapps! It offers the best of both worlds, and lets you be inebriated AND jittery at the same time. What better combination could there be for rush hour traffic than the twitchiness of caffeine overload mixed with liquor’s gift for making your small motor skills truly minimal? Wild Eye caffeinated schnapps will give you the energy to punch out a cop, and the impaired judgment needed to think it’s a good idea! Wild Eye, you can’t make the police chase last for three hours without it!”
Good lord, where’s Carrie Nation when you need her?
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