What's in a Name?

I did a google search on my name today, because I was bored, and narcissistic, and I found out that I’m a lumber company. Yep, Carter Lee Lumber Inc. Either that or I’m being drafted out of Northwestern University to play hockey for the San Jose Sharks. Which is cool, because I didn’t think there was much room in the NHL for a desperately out of shape 34-year-old non-Canadian who can’t skate. At least, that’s what I was told the last time I tried out for the San Jose Sharks. Apparently, they’ve changed their minds.

I told one of my friends about the hockey-playing Carter Lee, and some thoughts I had about cashing in on whatever fame he might earn by signing our mutual name onto things, when she piped up with, “Maybe you should change your name!” To which I responded, “Maybe you should get rid of that giant mustache!” And then she punched me. But that’s beside the point.

I actually thought about it for a minute, after the bleeding stopped, but I couldn’t think of another name I’d really want. I couldn’t think of one that sounded right to me. I mean, there’s always Rock Hardman, but I’m saving that as my porn name, just in case. Nothing else quite worked, Rick, Jimmy, Will, Chauncey, they just didn’t fit. For a couple of minutes, I liked Lance Torso. Y’know, Lance Torso, man of action, ladies man, man’s man’s man, like that. But then it started to sound stupid.

Carter’s my name; it’s what I’m used to. If I suddenly started to call myself Sherman or Doug, I’d forget in a couple of minutes and wonder why everyone was shouting some else’ name at me. Besides, Carter has some history to it. For those who don’t know, Carter is an old English name, and it means ‘A guy who carts things’. It’s a hard name to live up to, if you’re not a truck driver.

A lot of people seem to have trouble with it though. Most people, when I say my name is Carter, hear Curt, and one guy spent a year thinking my name was ‘Curt Early’, instead of ‘Carter Lee’. When I introduce myself as Carter Lee, some people come back with, “Shouldn’t that be Lee Carter?” To which I respond, “Shouldn’t your name be ‘shut your pie-hole’?”

Another thing is, my dad named me Carter. Granted, his is Robert E. Lee, so I could make an argument that he was tired of being the only one in the family with a dopey name, but I prefer to give him more credit than that. My dad’s a good guy, not at all the type to get amusement from mocking a small child, especially his son.

Of course, this all leads to the question of whether or not I’m gonna do the same thing to the kids I might have. What do I name my son? Percy? Judas? Spanky? And with a last name like Lee, all kinds of possibilities open up. Major Lee. Minor Lee. Injudicious Lee. Helpful Lee.

One thing’s for certain, though. Whatever name I do curse my child with, that kid is going to hate my ass.