There are few things more embarrassing, in my experience, than having to wake up your upstairs neighbor in order to see if the bullet you just accidentally fired through your ceiling has killed them.
As a rule, Army First Sergeants aren’t thrilled to have overweight guys assigned to their company.
Grade school kids have no appreciation for peers who possess ‘interesting’ personalities.
Gimme enough whiskey and a running start, and there isn’t much I can’t fuck up.
Military school only makes crazy kids crazier.
English, as a language, doesn’t have a lot of logic to it.
Food always tastes better when someone else pays.
Sex is like fast food, in that you trade quality for convenience with both.
When you’re not sufficiently drunk, strip clubs are depressing.
Most drugs are fun, until they’re not. Then everything sucks, not just the drugs.
If she’s into me, I’ll realize it somewhere between six months and five years after the last time I see her.
Being caught having sex on your roommate’s bed is embarrassing, but not embarrassing enough to stop. You can deal with them later.
Getting shot at clears the mind beautifully. Unfortunately, the mind then becomes filled with screaming terror.
Some part of me always wants to go back in time and bitch-slap younger versions of me.
When people say, ‘be honest’, they only want you to be honest if you are the topic of discussion. If they are, they just want a more convincing lie. Oblige them.
Being caught masturbating, by anyone, is always embarrassing. Who catches you only makes a difference in the degree of embarrassment.
Act like a loser, and they’ll take you at your word. Act like a winner, and they always have a lingering feeling that you’re lying.
However your mother described you, good or bad, she was pretty much lying.
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