I was on the internet last night, looking for porn, I’m not gonna lie. I was on Yahoo, ‘cause the porn’s free there, which is important to me. Yes, I like porn, and I’m cheap…Laaaadies! I found a group called ‘Big Tits and High Heels’, and I figured, ‘great, I can roll with that’, so I tried to sign up. But I noticed something weird. Well, two weird things, actually. The first was that the moderator's screen name was ‘Johnny Magic Pants’. Johnny…Magic Pants. On the one hand, I kinda had to give him credit for confidence, y’know, throwing his best trait right out there, but on the other hand…What? Johnny Magic Pants? Really? It’s hard to take a guy called Johnny Magic Pants seriously. If you want to be taken seriously, you gotta be called something like…Doctor Magic Pants. Professor Magic Pants. Maybe Captain Magic Pants. Monsignor Magic Pants would fit right in with today's modern church.
Then I thought how cool it would be if that were his real name. Like he was the only son of Mr. & Mrs. Bert Magic Pants, of Wichita. “The Magic Pants name goes back a long way here in Kansas. They used to have a family business, gave Levi’s quite a run for their money, back in the day. They had a saying, ‘They’re not real pants if they’re not Magic Pants.’, and ‘You can’t go wrong with a pair of Magic Pants.’” Or maybe it’s a title, like he won the ‘Johnny Magic Pants 2006’ contest. In which case, good on him, ‘cause really, guys, who amongst us hasn’t dreamed of being Johnny Magic Pants? What guy would turn that down? I’d take that, no doubt. Carter ‘Johnny Magic Pants’ Lee. That would look great on business cards.
It could work as a set of children’s stories, too. ‘Johnny Magic Pants and the Land of the Golden Vibrator.’; ‘Johnny Magic Pants Races the Devil, into the Crack of a Young Girls Ass.’; ‘Johnny Magic Pants goes Round the World, and gets Syphilis.’ It’d be glorious.
But what annoyed me was that Mr. Magic Pants, in his capacity as moderator of Yahoo club ‘Big Tits and High Heels’, had seen fit to make joining his little club contingent upon my writing an essay of not more than two hundred words explaining, and I quote, ‘Why you want to join the ‘Big Tits and High Heels’ community, and what would make you a valued member of said community.” To which I again responded, “What? Seriously?” The group’s called ‘Big Tits and High Heels’! I’m joining to discuss the various nominees for the post of Belgian Economic Minister, obviously. No, wait, it’s because you have free porn! And what’s all this about being a member of a community? Unless it’s a woman, who has big tits and is wearing high heels, I have no interest in meeting anyone else who frequents this site. If you’re looking for ‘community’, you know what you do? You go outside! And the very idea that Johnny Magic Pants feels like he’s setting a little online mutual support group, using the common ground of enjoying large breasted women in stilettos, makes me afraid. And a little sad. And I know sad. I mean, I'm pretty sad myself. Sad, sad, sad.
I’m joking, of course. Women love me. C’mon, I wear crappy clothes, I got a gut, a double chin, glasses, and, best of all, thinning and receding hair; so what’s not to like? I have to beat women off with a stick. Mostly because they won’t let me touch them with my hands. It takes a strong wrist, and good hand to eye coordination, believe you me. “Hold on…hold on…almost…there, no wait…I’m trying! You could help a little, you know. Spread that apart, at least. There! See how easy it is when we work together? Right, sorry, no talking now…”
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