Pay me more than I'm worth, please

I don’t do well at job interviews, especially those that involve a job with some kind responsibility. I don’t have the right clothes. I rarely want the job itself, just the good paycheck. I sweat a lot. And I seem to give off the vibe that I could care less about getting the job. This is invariably true.

I’ve been out of a job for a couple of months, enjoying the splendor of unemployment insurance. I’m actually getting bored with just hanging out. I think a lot of it has to do with not having enough money to do what I want. If I won the lottery, I’d loaf around ‘til my heart exploded from the massive amount of sitting around and eating to my heart’s content I’d do. As it is, I have just enough to get by, which isn’t bad, but doesn’t bode well for my future, specifically the part of the future where I’m too old to work and survive by eating cat food. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some cat food, but as a regular diet it makes me a bit gassy.

So I really do want to get a decent gig this time. I’ve spent far too long working the dead end, ‘What, me take responsibility?’ jobs. I’m thinking something with health insurance, maybe a 401(k) I can invest in. I had that at my last job, but there was a little too much getting shot at for me to want to make a permanent thing out of it.

34’s probably a little late to start shopping around for a career, but that’s where I am. I don’t see them offering any passes to go back and start over again, so I might as well stop procrastinating. I’ve come to grips with my lack of inspiration, the absence of a driving passion within me, so it isn’t a good idea for me to keep running under the assumption that the hand of God’s gonna come down and gift me with it.

It’s a tangential thought, but it’s a good idea to sometimes state your beliefs out loud. Often, you’ll suddenly be brought up against the raw stupidity of something you’ve held as true for too long. The idea that I’d receive inspiration via a Newtonesque smack upon the head by an apple was something I’d never said to anyone, just something I believed implicitly. Once I said it aloud, I felt like an idiot, with some justification, I think.

So now I want a real job, and find myself woefully unprepared to get one. Hi, my name’s Carter Lee. Will you hire me in spite of all the obvious reasons not to?