Saturday, January 31, 2009
Spreadin' the crazy
I don't know why, but sometimes, when the phone rings, I have the urge to pick up the receiver and scream incoherently into it for ten or twenty seconds. Then maybe make a gurgling noise, and hang up.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Comedy Bit
There's this thing guys do, when they're bored and feeling kind of stupid. You can see videos of this particular kind of dude all over youtube. Guys who who were doing nothing one day, hanging out with friends, who suddenly think, "Hey, you know what would be cool?"
And whatever they come up with is just incredibly stupid. "Hey, film me riding this skateboard off of this roof onto the roof of my car!" "Dude, you drive down the street in yer Hyundai at like 30 miles an hour, and I'll run towards you in the opposite direction, and see if I can jump over the car!" "Me and Jim, we'll get on his motorcycle, and he'll come driving down the street to where you're parked on your bike, and at the last second, he'll do a stoppie, you know, one of those things where he brakes so hard the whole bike comes up and balances on the front tire, and I'll leap from the back of his bike to the back of yours, and then you'll take off really fast with me on the back. It'll be like the pony express!"
Now, the only reasonable response to a request like this is, "No! Fuck, no!" "But, it'll be cool man!" "No, Cletus, it'll be cool if it works out just right. And given the case of beer we've been working on since 10am, my bet is that your little Rapid Motorcycle Passenger Pony Express Transfer is gonna go horribly, horribly wrong, and we'll spend the evening in the hospital, in pain, instead of finishing this beer. Which is what God wants us to do."
And then you get the ultimate guy insult, "What are you, a wuss?" You know what, I'm just gonna go ahead and cop to that. I am a Wuss! Now don't get me wrong, you need something moved, I'm there. I can lift heavy shit, no problem. I've been in the Army, I went to Iraq; I've been out with friends and shit started and I took part; That I get. Sometimes, shit happens and you have to throw down, and damn the broken bones. I get that! We're at a bar, your girl gets fucked with by some drunk asshole who's got pals with him, I'll be throwing punches right next to you.
But. But! If I look at an idea you have, ESPECIALLY if it comes up after I've been drinking, and all I can think is, "Well, that don't make no fuckin' sense..." I'm out. If my semi-inebriated self looks at your plan of action, and finds it wanting for logic, I'm out. That's it. Call me a wuss all day, that is fine. You do your thing, and I'll watch from a safe distance, ready with a phone, so that when the inevitable happens, and the unforgiving pavement separates your jaw from the rest of your head, I can call 911 so the can come out an spatula up your various parts and sew ya back back together. And I won't laugh, in front of ya, and I'll come by the hospital and agree with everyone else that you were Just THAT close to making it work, but now way in hell will I be the guy in the bed next to you. I've been badly hurt before, enough that I have no interest in experiencing it again unless absolutely necessary. Internet fame is fleeting, and pain take FOR EVER!
One thing we could do, though, is start using all this 'cool' stuff as punishment. Instead of incarcerating most criminals, we should just make them do crazy stunts. "James Weston McNeil, You have been found guilty of drunk driving, resisting arrest, and ramming another vehicle, causing the death of a nineteen year old girl. You are sentenced to ride this dirt bike down this ram and attempt to leap it over these fifteen school buses." " What if I crash?" Well, then you're going to be hurt quite badly, Mr. McNeil." "What if I don't get on the bike?" "Well, if you don't get on the bike, we let Big Earl and Moose back there go nuts on ya with their night sticks and tasers, and when you've been beaten enough to stop arguing, we strap you on your bike, and send you down the ramp. So, you can get on the bike right now, or you can get on the bike with a couple of broken ribs and a shattered kneecap. But one way or another, Mr. McNeil, you ARE getting on the bike."
"Tom Williams, you have been found guilty of defrauding old people to the tune of 17 million dollars, and you will now involuntarily skydive off the top of the Sears Tower, here in lovely downtown Chicago." "Wait, I don't wanna..." "Throw 'im off boys." "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......" "Lets go to Ron in the observation booth!" "Thanks, Marv. Williams has cleared the 90th floor, he's past the 80th, he has not pulled the ripcord on his 'chute yet. This guy only got ten minutes to learn how to work a parachute, I think he's forgotten which is the ripcord... He's down to the 30th floor, the 20th, and he pulls the cord! Just a little too late, though, parachute didn't have time to open fully, he hit the ground pretty hard....Annnnnnnd, the doc on the ground has pronounced him dead. Well, a bad day for Tom Williams, convicted of fraud, but a good day for any of you viewers out there who guessed Williams was going to land in the red square, each one of you has won a case of Pepsi!"
You call it cruel and unusual, I call it Justice!
And whatever they come up with is just incredibly stupid. "Hey, film me riding this skateboard off of this roof onto the roof of my car!" "Dude, you drive down the street in yer Hyundai at like 30 miles an hour, and I'll run towards you in the opposite direction, and see if I can jump over the car!" "Me and Jim, we'll get on his motorcycle, and he'll come driving down the street to where you're parked on your bike, and at the last second, he'll do a stoppie, you know, one of those things where he brakes so hard the whole bike comes up and balances on the front tire, and I'll leap from the back of his bike to the back of yours, and then you'll take off really fast with me on the back. It'll be like the pony express!"
Now, the only reasonable response to a request like this is, "No! Fuck, no!" "But, it'll be cool man!" "No, Cletus, it'll be cool if it works out just right. And given the case of beer we've been working on since 10am, my bet is that your little Rapid Motorcycle Passenger Pony Express Transfer is gonna go horribly, horribly wrong, and we'll spend the evening in the hospital, in pain, instead of finishing this beer. Which is what God wants us to do."
And then you get the ultimate guy insult, "What are you, a wuss?" You know what, I'm just gonna go ahead and cop to that. I am a Wuss! Now don't get me wrong, you need something moved, I'm there. I can lift heavy shit, no problem. I've been in the Army, I went to Iraq; I've been out with friends and shit started and I took part; That I get. Sometimes, shit happens and you have to throw down, and damn the broken bones. I get that! We're at a bar, your girl gets fucked with by some drunk asshole who's got pals with him, I'll be throwing punches right next to you.
But. But! If I look at an idea you have, ESPECIALLY if it comes up after I've been drinking, and all I can think is, "Well, that don't make no fuckin' sense..." I'm out. If my semi-inebriated self looks at your plan of action, and finds it wanting for logic, I'm out. That's it. Call me a wuss all day, that is fine. You do your thing, and I'll watch from a safe distance, ready with a phone, so that when the inevitable happens, and the unforgiving pavement separates your jaw from the rest of your head, I can call 911 so the can come out an spatula up your various parts and sew ya back back together. And I won't laugh, in front of ya, and I'll come by the hospital and agree with everyone else that you were Just THAT close to making it work, but now way in hell will I be the guy in the bed next to you. I've been badly hurt before, enough that I have no interest in experiencing it again unless absolutely necessary. Internet fame is fleeting, and pain take FOR EVER!
One thing we could do, though, is start using all this 'cool' stuff as punishment. Instead of incarcerating most criminals, we should just make them do crazy stunts. "James Weston McNeil, You have been found guilty of drunk driving, resisting arrest, and ramming another vehicle, causing the death of a nineteen year old girl. You are sentenced to ride this dirt bike down this ram and attempt to leap it over these fifteen school buses." " What if I crash?" Well, then you're going to be hurt quite badly, Mr. McNeil." "What if I don't get on the bike?" "Well, if you don't get on the bike, we let Big Earl and Moose back there go nuts on ya with their night sticks and tasers, and when you've been beaten enough to stop arguing, we strap you on your bike, and send you down the ramp. So, you can get on the bike right now, or you can get on the bike with a couple of broken ribs and a shattered kneecap. But one way or another, Mr. McNeil, you ARE getting on the bike."
"Tom Williams, you have been found guilty of defrauding old people to the tune of 17 million dollars, and you will now involuntarily skydive off the top of the Sears Tower, here in lovely downtown Chicago." "Wait, I don't wanna..." "Throw 'im off boys." "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......" "Lets go to Ron in the observation booth!" "Thanks, Marv. Williams has cleared the 90th floor, he's past the 80th, he has not pulled the ripcord on his 'chute yet. This guy only got ten minutes to learn how to work a parachute, I think he's forgotten which is the ripcord... He's down to the 30th floor, the 20th, and he pulls the cord! Just a little too late, though, parachute didn't have time to open fully, he hit the ground pretty hard....Annnnnnnd, the doc on the ground has pronounced him dead. Well, a bad day for Tom Williams, convicted of fraud, but a good day for any of you viewers out there who guessed Williams was going to land in the red square, each one of you has won a case of Pepsi!"
You call it cruel and unusual, I call it Justice!
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
Come the Apocalypse...
If it ever comes to pass that man's o'erweening ambition brings him low, and I find myself leading a new generation of children through the shattered remnants of our once great civilization, I think I'll start spicing up human history. Our shared history is, in many ways, a rather extensive collection of stories about how horrible we've been to one another. I wouldn't want the new generation coming in to lose sight of what man can do to man, but I think the outset of a whole new era in human history might benefit from the inclusion of a little whimsy.
When I gather the young'uns about the fire after a long day of exploring ruins for useful objects and fighting off mutants and zombies, I think I'll make world history a little more... colorful than the history that we're taught today. I'll tell stories about how half-man/half-bovine 'cowboys' won the west, in a generations-long game of cards. I'll talk about how the world was revolutionized by the advent of the Monkey Express Postal Delivery Service, and teach them to settle internecine disputes with West Side Story-style dance offs. I'll fill their language with a mishmash of gangster lingo, Brooklynese, and hepcat style.
Why not. Living in a harsh, scarred world, in what way could it hurt to teach them that Genghis Khan and his Golden Horde struck fear into the armies of Fu Manchu by attacking dressed as giant rabbits, the most feared beasts of the old world?
When I gather the young'uns about the fire after a long day of exploring ruins for useful objects and fighting off mutants and zombies, I think I'll make world history a little more... colorful than the history that we're taught today. I'll tell stories about how half-man/half-bovine 'cowboys' won the west, in a generations-long game of cards. I'll talk about how the world was revolutionized by the advent of the Monkey Express Postal Delivery Service, and teach them to settle internecine disputes with West Side Story-style dance offs. I'll fill their language with a mishmash of gangster lingo, Brooklynese, and hepcat style.
Why not. Living in a harsh, scarred world, in what way could it hurt to teach them that Genghis Khan and his Golden Horde struck fear into the armies of Fu Manchu by attacking dressed as giant rabbits, the most feared beasts of the old world?
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Resolution
It's not my normal thing, but this year, I made a new year's resolution.
I've decided to only have sex in the month of February.
And, I'm back-dating this resolution to the year 2000.
This is not because I expect to actually have sex in February. No, no, no. That way lies madness.
This is just so that I can look back at the last decade and make a reasonable claim to only having been involuntarily celibate for nine months. The rest of the time, I simply wallowed in my own purity.
Also, having not gotten laid for nine consecutive Februaries minimizes the overall total days of involuntary celibacy I have to admit to.
Quality of life, my children, CAN be directly tied to which particular delusions one chooses to embrace. Believe it.
I've decided to only have sex in the month of February.
And, I'm back-dating this resolution to the year 2000.
This is not because I expect to actually have sex in February. No, no, no. That way lies madness.
This is just so that I can look back at the last decade and make a reasonable claim to only having been involuntarily celibate for nine months. The rest of the time, I simply wallowed in my own purity.
Also, having not gotten laid for nine consecutive Februaries minimizes the overall total days of involuntary celibacy I have to admit to.
Quality of life, my children, CAN be directly tied to which particular delusions one chooses to embrace. Believe it.
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